Well, I’m back! What better topic to start with than the one that dims my fire! Everyone has that something, that hindrance, that IDEA that just suppresses their goals, dreams, thoughts. Everyone has that something. Mine is shame. I battle shame every single day of my life. Shame for something. Shame for everything. The enemy knows it…but so does God!
It’s no secret, and I’m not ashamed to say, I see a therapist every chance I get. I seek council from my pastors every chance I get. But do I talk to God every chance I get? No..no, I don’t. Because of shame.
I’ve finally found a tad bit of consistency in doing short bible studies on an app on my phone every morning. 99% of the time, I’ll ready the study before my feet hit the floor. The other 1%, well that, I always assume, is the devil taking the tiny bit of phone service that I actually get at my house and crushing it like the spider I killed this morning. ANYWAYS, it’s really helped me to have those “Ah-Ha!” moments that we all love so much. It’s also helped my mind to at least START the day in the right setting. It doesn’t always stay there. Today was a perfect example. As I really thought hard about re-opening this blog and what all I could share and reflect on, my mind went into, “wow I’m getting fat again”. “wow, I’m such a failure at my health”. “Really Rach, who would want to listen to you again?”
I caught it after about 2 minutes. Which seems like a short time but this mind can go some deep dark places in those 2 minutes. I knew, right then, I had to start writing again. The devil figured out what God was doing and did what he always does. He brought the shame back into my thoughts. There’s that cliche saying, “Not Today Satan!” that’s on everyone’s clothes and meme’s these days. But it’s true. One day at a time and NOT TODAY SATAN!
So in my reflections the past month or so, in my studies, my prayers, my GOOD thoughts…God gave me the best revelation He ever has. Now I can’t put this in some catchy sentence that sums it all up in those few words so you’re just going to have to bare with me and read a little longer. You’ll be alright. It’s OK, I don’t like to read either 🙂
We know that God is all-knowing. Definition…He knows it ALL! He KNEW it all…He’s KNOWN all, He is ALL-KNOWING.
OK, now that we’ve established that, let’s pair that with the shame that we (I) feel when it comes to our sin. Our constant, imperfect, unnecessary, embarrassing, SHAMEFUL sin.
It’s like God came down and talked to me but I never heard His voice or saw His face. He said, “I am all-knowing. I knew you would do that. I knew you would say that, act that way, refuse that, run away from that, all that….I knew that.”
Then it got me thinking. In the highest places I’ve been in my life, when I felt God’s presence more than I ever had and I knew that He loved me and I felt it and I was PROUD that He thought I was worthy to be loved…God knew I would do all of those things that bring me so much shame every day. The things I would do, how I would act, etc. etc. etc. as a mom, a friend, a daughter, a wife that would and DO bring me so much shame in my mind that I completely recluse and hide in embarrassment of who I am, what I did…He already knew and I STILL felt his presence all around me, I STILL felt so much of his love that my joy would just over flow.
So if God knew, and I still had that high in Him, then why do I let the shame of it make me run from Him? He loved me the then, right? Would you walk up to your daughter and ground her for throwing your phone in the toilet back 12 years ago when she was 2? NO! So God isn’t going to love you less for things that He’s KNOWN you would do before you were ever even you!
I am the WORST about completely running away from the world and from God when I am embarrassed or ashamed. Sometimes I hide for a day, sometimes a month, sometimes even longer. I find myself stuck in my own head, depressed, sad, tired, and I completely stop talking to God. Times like these when I should talk Him more than ever, I block out the option in my head. Like, I have disappointed Him so why would he want to talk to me right now? I do the same thing with my husband. If I disappoint him or disappoint myself as a wife, I hide away and just shut down. WHY? Now, my husband may not have known I’d spend that money or ruin those plans, or whatever it is that disappointed one of us. So I still gotta work on that 🙂
But God KNEW! God is the same God no matter what day of the week it is. So the God who lifted me during those highs, already knew I’d have those lows so WHY? Why do I allow myself to feel so much shame that I run from my life instead of speaking His name?
I’ve been wanting to write a song and have had these lyrics in my head for months now. Just need to be more intentional about getting them all together where they belong. I wrote this line today and I want to share it with you.
“Shame comes from fear of exposing my sin. hiding away just to begin again Nothing changes when you stay in that dark place afraid of God’s face not accepting His grace.”
God works on you when you let Him in. When you identify and dispose of the thoughts that take your mind off what it is God wants you to hear, you’ll hear the truths He has for you and stop being so ding dang hard on yourself. RACHAEL.
Bye for now,
RR
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